The political gamesmanship that I’ve been witnessing on television has me thinking – and this time something other than my usual, ‘who the heck do these morons think they’re talking to’. Ever since I started dancing I’ve started thinking in dance terms. First it was just noticing what sort of dance steps would go with some of my favorite tunes. Later I found myself recognizing what sorts of dances went with just about any music whether it be the tune behind a McDonald’s commercial or the bubblegum pop tune playing at the mall. I guess that was predictable – a big part of being able to dance is being able to recognize what dance you should be doing. But as time has worn on I started thinking stranger things…like what kind of dances would all these knuckle-head politicians do?
So, being the sort who goes in for baseless speculation, I thought I’d step up and…well…speculate baselessly. It’s a short list of big names but, hey, I’ve got a short attention span.
So, being the sort who goes in for baseless speculation, I thought I’d step up and…well…speculate baselessly. It’s a short list of big names but, hey, I’ve got a short attention span.
George W. Bush Favorite Tune: Pop Goes the Weasle
Dance Partner: Barney the Purple Dinosaur
I’m thinking Hokey-Pokey. In spite of my political affiliations, it’s not because I see him sticking a left foot in and a left foot out when it comes to whether there are or aren’t timelines in Iraq or whether he will or wont negotiate with ‘axis of evil’ nations like North Korea. It’s simply because when I look into his eyes I see the expression of a kindergartener – one of the kindergarteners who’s having problems understanding how to color inside the lines and share toys with the other kids on the playground. I think he’d definitely need someone telling him what to do, when to do it, and when to stop doing it.
I’m thinking Hokey-Pokey. In spite of my political affiliations, it’s not because I see him sticking a left foot in and a left foot out when it comes to whether there are or aren’t timelines in Iraq or whether he will or wont negotiate with ‘axis of evil’ nations like North Korea. It’s simply because when I look into his eyes I see the expression of a kindergartener – one of the kindergarteners who’s having problems understanding how to color inside the lines and share toys with the other kids on the playground. I think he’d definitely need someone telling him what to do, when to do it, and when to stop doing it.
Dick Cheney Favorite Tune: The Funerary March
Dance Partner: Satan
See Dick dance? No, of course not – what, are you crazy? Could you imagine Darth Vader dancing? How about Charles Manson? Well, then what about Richard Nixon? So, if you can't imagine any of them dancing why would you be able to imagine a fellow who's a combo of all three doing it? Well – okay, maybe there’s a dance that involves guns…that dance he would do but only if he got to shoot his partner in the face when the music stopped.
See Dick dance? No, of course not – what, are you crazy? Could you imagine Darth Vader dancing? How about Charles Manson? Well, then what about Richard Nixon? So, if you can't imagine any of them dancing why would you be able to imagine a fellow who's a combo of all three doing it? Well – okay, maybe there’s a dance that involves guns…that dance he would do but only if he got to shoot his partner in the face when the music stopped.
Condoleezza Rice Favorite Tune: Cell Block Tango
Dance Parter: Her Own Shadow
Condie, I think, is a flamenco woman – because it’s a dance that’s done alone. Sorry, I just can’t picture her with a partner. I try – I close my eyes and try to think of her dancing the cha-cha or rumba but in the end her arms are always empty. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve got teeth like a rake. For the love of god, Condie get some dental surgery! I’m sure the White House dental plan will cover veneers and braces!
Condie, I think, is a flamenco woman – because it’s a dance that’s done alone. Sorry, I just can’t picture her with a partner. I try – I close my eyes and try to think of her dancing the cha-cha or rumba but in the end her arms are always empty. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve got teeth like a rake. For the love of god, Condie get some dental surgery! I’m sure the White House dental plan will cover veneers and braces!
John McCainFavorite Tune: Roll Out the Barrel
Partner: Inga or maybe Heidi
Deep down inside I know John wants to do the polka. Look at that face and what do you see? Bratwurst, mustard, and about twelve pounds of saurkraut washed down with a cold one. With a wife who owns one of the biggest Budweiser distributers in the US can you really blame him? And think about it, the polka is a dance that can be done to a traditional tune that’s actually named after a barrel of beer. Also I keep seeing John in one of those funny Moose Lodge-style fezzes and a nice robe with Grand Poobah embroidered on the back – but that’s probably just me.
Deep down inside I know John wants to do the polka. Look at that face and what do you see? Bratwurst, mustard, and about twelve pounds of saurkraut washed down with a cold one. With a wife who owns one of the biggest Budweiser distributers in the US can you really blame him? And think about it, the polka is a dance that can be done to a traditional tune that’s actually named after a barrel of beer. Also I keep seeing John in one of those funny Moose Lodge-style fezzes and a nice robe with Grand Poobah embroidered on the back – but that’s probably just me.
Barack ObamaFavorite Tune: Funky Town
Dance Partner: The Press
So far it’s been a challenge to envision any of these jokers actually dancing – but when I came to Barack that changed. West Coast Swing, no question about it. It’s funky but not too animated and though Barack can deliver a speech that rouses the masses I can’t really see him jumping around enough to get into ECS. Plus WCS goes so damn well with Chicago Blues.
So far it’s been a challenge to envision any of these jokers actually dancing – but when I came to Barack that changed. West Coast Swing, no question about it. It’s funky but not too animated and though Barack can deliver a speech that rouses the masses I can’t really see him jumping around enough to get into ECS. Plus WCS goes so damn well with Chicago Blues.
Hillary Clinton Favorite Tune: I Am Woman
Dance Partner: Bill (if he'll get his hands out of the waitress' pants)
Ever been to a Dead concert? Ever encounter that gal, the one wearing the store-bought tie-dye who’s desperately trying to get into drums and space but has no freaking idea what the hell is going on? That’s Hillary. I can see her standing as far from the ‘scary hippies’ as possible while trying to fit in at the same time. That means the dance I can see Hillary doing is a really bad rendition of that kinda’ hippie non-dance you see in every documentary about the Summer of Love.
Bill Clinton
Ever been to a Dead concert? Ever encounter that gal, the one wearing the store-bought tie-dye who’s desperately trying to get into drums and space but has no freaking idea what the hell is going on? That’s Hillary. I can see her standing as far from the ‘scary hippies’ as possible while trying to fit in at the same time. That means the dance I can see Hillary doing is a really bad rendition of that kinda’ hippie non-dance you see in every documentary about the Summer of Love.
Bill Clinton Favorite Tune: Austin Power's Theme
Dance Partner: What are you doing tonight?
Bill plays the sax but that doesn’t earn him an invite to the swing club. Instead I imagine him being into the close dances – foxtrot and rumba. If he wasn't so old I'd say lambada just because of the filth factor. In any case, when he’s in the middle of the dance, I imagine him grabbing his partner’s ass – or maybe the ass of somebody else’s partner. Just a casual reach over and honk-honk...and then when the commotion breaks out I see him swearing he never did anything to ‘that woman’.
That’s where my foray stops. Hey, I didn’t want to start getting down into the gubernatorial level because nobody knows those losers. Anyway, I’ve got other things to focus on – like what dances would Olympic athletes do…
Bill plays the sax but that doesn’t earn him an invite to the swing club. Instead I imagine him being into the close dances – foxtrot and rumba. If he wasn't so old I'd say lambada just because of the filth factor. In any case, when he’s in the middle of the dance, I imagine him grabbing his partner’s ass – or maybe the ass of somebody else’s partner. Just a casual reach over and honk-honk...and then when the commotion breaks out I see him swearing he never did anything to ‘that woman’.
That’s where my foray stops. Hey, I didn’t want to start getting down into the gubernatorial level because nobody knows those losers. Anyway, I’ve got other things to focus on – like what dances would Olympic athletes do…
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